SO i was in english. And the ladys all like, WRITE WHEN I GIVE YOU PROMPTS. So we're sposed to write a paragraph for each prompt. And the prompts is:
My mother is late. There is the sound of a car coming. There’s no...
Grab it, squirrel.
Hold onto the two handles and twist. Just twist the little knob until...
And if there’s one thing my mother always said that drove me crazy, its that...
LEAVE.
So heres my story of how they all came together! I'm very bored. Don't judge me.
My mother is late. There is the sound of a car coming. There’s no reason that it wouldn’t be her. Yet I fear the worst. Because I have a secret. A dark, terrible secret. The truth is… I created Godzilla.Its been three years since I spawned him and he had his hissy fit in Tokyo. Since then, he’s really cooled down. Bought himself a compact car to help the environment. But I know, that since day one he’s been out to get me. He trained with Bruce Lee, before eating him. He learnt from Vin Diesel how to use weapons, before eating him as well. And now, he’s come for me. There’s only one thing I can do. I hold out my ultimate weapon to my pet, Fred. Grab it, squirrel. It is a spatula. Because as any man could tell you, the spatula is the dinosaur’s worst enemy. I hear feet being wiped on the doormat. Digging into the drawer, hands full of pens and pencils, I whipped out my fly swatter, the closest thing to a spatula I could find. I let my army of Mexican immigrants out of my closet, they took up arms and stationed themselves by the door. Myself and Fred stood in the kitchen, should all else fail.The door burst open. Godzilla burst in, and killed the first Mexican with a fork to the head. He ripped the arms off another, and beat three of them to death with the limbs. A foot flew past my head and lodged itself in the wall. I whispered to fred, “Hold onto the two handles and twist. Just twist the little knob until the superclobbermaticmasherbananaplant machine makes a fart noise. And then run.” Fred did so. But we forgot to take one thing into account: there is no such thing as a superclobbermaticmasherbananaplant. So I run into the nearest elevator.I get onto the elevator at the same time as a man with tattoos on his arms. I don’t think anything of it until the elevator stops between floors. And then he rips off his shirt and says “MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN” and I say “LOL, FAG”. And then he rips off his head and out pops GODZILLA! I try to fend him off, but my spatulas are running out of batteries, and I know the end is near. But wait! I had a sudden moment of clarity. My mothers face shone before me. And if there’s one thing my mother always said that drove me crazy, its that wherever you go, carry a rubber chicken. I always thought this was terribly inconvenient, and whenever I asked her why, shed just wink and say I’d know when the time came. Now was that time. So I pulled out my rubber chicken. And I said, “LEAVE!” And he said, “Well, my good fellow, if you truly desire to be ridden of my presence, then I shall take my leave. But if you would be so kind, could I borrow that rubber chicken? It is quite beautiful, and would very much like to marry it.” So I gave him the rubber chicken, and threw in those purple socks that got me fired from my day job as a fire hydrant. Me and Godzilla are on great terms these days, and we play poker together every second Wednesday.
My mother is late. There is the sound of a car coming. There’s no...
Grab it, squirrel.
Hold onto the two handles and twist. Just twist the little knob until...
And if there’s one thing my mother always said that drove me crazy, its that...
LEAVE.
So heres my story of how they all came together! I'm very bored. Don't judge me.
My mother is late. There is the sound of a car coming. There’s no reason that it wouldn’t be her. Yet I fear the worst. Because I have a secret. A dark, terrible secret. The truth is… I created Godzilla.Its been three years since I spawned him and he had his hissy fit in Tokyo. Since then, he’s really cooled down. Bought himself a compact car to help the environment. But I know, that since day one he’s been out to get me. He trained with Bruce Lee, before eating him. He learnt from Vin Diesel how to use weapons, before eating him as well. And now, he’s come for me. There’s only one thing I can do. I hold out my ultimate weapon to my pet, Fred. Grab it, squirrel. It is a spatula. Because as any man could tell you, the spatula is the dinosaur’s worst enemy. I hear feet being wiped on the doormat. Digging into the drawer, hands full of pens and pencils, I whipped out my fly swatter, the closest thing to a spatula I could find. I let my army of Mexican immigrants out of my closet, they took up arms and stationed themselves by the door. Myself and Fred stood in the kitchen, should all else fail.The door burst open. Godzilla burst in, and killed the first Mexican with a fork to the head. He ripped the arms off another, and beat three of them to death with the limbs. A foot flew past my head and lodged itself in the wall. I whispered to fred, “Hold onto the two handles and twist. Just twist the little knob until the superclobbermaticmasherbananaplant machine makes a fart noise. And then run.” Fred did so. But we forgot to take one thing into account: there is no such thing as a superclobbermaticmasherbananaplant. So I run into the nearest elevator.I get onto the elevator at the same time as a man with tattoos on his arms. I don’t think anything of it until the elevator stops between floors. And then he rips off his shirt and says “MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN” and I say “LOL, FAG”. And then he rips off his head and out pops GODZILLA! I try to fend him off, but my spatulas are running out of batteries, and I know the end is near. But wait! I had a sudden moment of clarity. My mothers face shone before me. And if there’s one thing my mother always said that drove me crazy, its that wherever you go, carry a rubber chicken. I always thought this was terribly inconvenient, and whenever I asked her why, shed just wink and say I’d know when the time came. Now was that time. So I pulled out my rubber chicken. And I said, “LEAVE!” And he said, “Well, my good fellow, if you truly desire to be ridden of my presence, then I shall take my leave. But if you would be so kind, could I borrow that rubber chicken? It is quite beautiful, and would very much like to marry it.” So I gave him the rubber chicken, and threw in those purple socks that got me fired from my day job as a fire hydrant. Me and Godzilla are on great terms these days, and we play poker together every second Wednesday.
posted by D-rek at
8:53 AM
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43 comments
